Lost in a Fairytale

after making this as a post i decided i would also make a page for it, its a bit long to add into my story and also as i need to redo my story and explain more and actually complete it, i am going to give this its own page for the moment :) the post has been copied and pasted so here it is :)

this is headed the 31st of December 2010 for a reason. it’s exactly one year ago today. One year ago today that i last attempted to end the torment of my life. as you can tell, it didnt work. because once again, i failed at something i tried to do. it was my third attempt. i had decided that there was no point in starting another year if it was just going to be as shitty as the last. i had also attempted to tell a friend what i was thinking before it happened. i dont know what i was hoping for, maybe to be begged otherwise? whatever it was, it didnt happen. in so many words, i cant remember what there were exactly, i had told her. the text i got back, i still have this messaged saved, was nothing like i would ever have expected. this girl turned around and told me that what had happened to me throughout the year hadnt been fair, and how it also was unfair that a boy that had smiled at her once and never in her life spoken to her and was in the year above us at school didnt like her. how she knew this i gather only came from the fact that she wasnt going out with him, even though at that point her and her boyfriend had just broken up and are once again going back out and have been for about the last 10 months. after that text, i never once heard her speak of that boy again and never once did she ask me anything about how i was feeling about anything. now i feel like if i am ever in that situation again, it is pointless trying to reach out because whoever i confide in for help will only start speaking about themselves as that girl did. Out of my whole life i have attempted 3 times. in a way, i’ve been proud because this last year, i havent had any thoughts of trying again. i was hating so much the first week or so of this year as i was angry that it didnt work and, once again, no one had noticed anything. after i had gotten over the anger, i started to think about my birthday in november. 15. i would be 15. so i started to think of ways i could enjoy my birthday, i came up with the idea for a party in summer so it was nicer weather, and i also ended up going to an acting course in summer. those were things i could look forward to. things to take my mind off of the other things. recently, these thoughts have been returning to me, but i have been pushing them away with the thought that i might get to go to valencia during 2012. if i do, then i am pledging now, that i will be at my goal weight by then. i will be toned by then. it is in october, so its still a long while away, but this thought is keeping the other thoughts at bay. 

and to be honest, this is my advice to anyone out there that is considering ending the torment. find something, anything, any thought of anything that could lead to enjoyment, even just for an hour or to, just anything that will keep the thoughts out of your head. and promise me now, that you will be here to celebrate the start of 2013 with me, please? :)